To Live and be Happy
To Live and be Happy
My name is Matt and I am an alcoholic. As I write this I have passed two and a half years’ sobriety in AA. I am now living a busy, happy and useful life as the result of working the Twelve Steps with a sponsor.
None of those things seemed remotely possible back at the beginning. I got to AA miserable and wanting to die. Drinking was a lonely business. I never drank socially. I drank out of deep anxiety, the person it describes in the Big Book that deliberately got drunk because I was nervous, angry, worried, depressed, jealous – or just lonely. I reached the point of being holed-up in a flat, curtains drawn even in daylight, drinking continuously, only venturing out after dark to 24hr supermarkets to buy more alcohol. I’d walked out on my family, walked out of my job, and felt like a complete failure. I was stuck in the past – if only this, or that. Sick and twisted thoughts would follow. Drinking until I passed out was the only relief.
When I arrived in AA, things didn’t change immediately either. I identified with people’s shares and with the description of the alcoholic in the Big Book. But I was scared of stopping drinking. How would I deal with all of that stuff in my head? How could I deal with all those problems? People said ‘get a sponsor’ and ‘take the Steps’ and that scared me even more. What – you mean I have to do something?! I stayed miserable for a few more weeks.
Then I began to hear the ‘good news’ – people sharing about staying away from drink, overcoming their difficulties and fears, getting stuff back in their life, feeling useful and happy. They said these things were possible, in fact they promised them if I was prepared to go through with the Program of Recovery. It wasn’t just their words. I could see it in their faces. When I realised that AA was for alcoholics like me who wanted to live and be happy I decided to do what was suggested. Though still scared I asked for a sponsor. Straight away he got me taking simple actions. Pretty soon I got into service and worked through the Steps.
As the result, the obsession to drink was removed. More than that, my life has been transformed. I’ve done more with my life in the last two and a half years than I did in the previous twenty. After taking Step Five I went back to work and for the first time in my life became a valued employee – someone who’s prepared to get stuck in, get their hands dirty and get the job done without quibbling. I have completed the first two years of an Open University degree course – something I always dreamed of doing but of course never did when I was drinking. I started seeing my son again and started being a father – he is no longer an ‘inconvenience’. My family, friends and work colleagues can see that I have changed. They know I am in AA. They can see this really works. And many more good things have happened to me since I adopted this way of life. I have a host of new friends and we have fun times together.
I started by saying that I worked the Twelve Steps. I am convinced that the promises will only materialize if we work for them. I have to make the effort. So I happily continue to take the simple actions. I happily give back in service, by being a helpline responder, doing PI, and working with others. I happily put AA first because nothing else ever came close to solving my problem. AA saved my life, and is teaching me how to get out there and live life.
Matt, Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth