Step Seven
Step Seven
"Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings"
Character defects? Me? In my previous life when I was drinking I truly believed that it was everyone else who was at fault. My impatience and intolerance were because no-one, including myself, measured up to my high standards and unreasonable expectations. As it says in the Big Book, I had "moral and philosophical convictions galore". My arrogance was so out of control that I always thought I was right, and my pride stood in the way of me ever making a sincere apology. Making a mistake led me to wallow in self-pity and fake remorse. I would make empty promises and let myself and others down with my unreliability. Lust, sloth and dishonesty were commonplace; no one trusted me and eventually I didn’t trust myself.
I was jealous of people who were more successful than me, and my insanity was such that I was even jealous of those who weren’t doing so well and had tragedy in their lives, because everyone felt sorry for them. I was desperate to be liked, but everything about my attitude and behaviour pushed people away. I wouldn’t listen to advice and certainly wasn’t willing to change. Why should I? I wanted to run the whole show. I expected the world to fit to my requirements, not the other way round. It’s hardly any wonder that I was so deeply unhappy, but that was how I lived my life, in fear, misery and total ignorance of spiritual principles. I saw the whole world as a hostile place, and I was either on the attack, hiding or running away. Life was a battle and I was a victim. Finally after about 30 years of drinking I was living in squalid isolation, unemployable and without hope. I was beaten at depth and in a state of utter desperation, I found AA.
I struck gold when I found my home group because I heard the message of recovery shared so clearly by a room full of sober happy people. I felt safe and hopeful for probably the very first time in my life. I was broken, and at last I surrendered. I put my trust in a sponsor and began working through the Steps. My craving for alcohol was taken from me, so a miracle had already happened and I kept hearing that there were more to come; but there was a part of me that was, without me realizing it, still hanging on to doubt and fear.
Before I was ready to take Step seven I worried that if all of my character defects were taken away, what would be left? I had lived with them and nurtured them for so long it was hard to believe I could be any other way. As for humility, I misunderstood the word. I had always seen it as a weakness and not something to strive for. I didn’t realize that my lack of humility was a crippling handicap. After sharing Step five with my sponsor (an absolute privilege), I knew in my heart that I was ready and willing to have these defects removed. I had the desire to seek and do God’s will.
Saying the Step seven prayer was a profoundly emotional experience for me and that feeling comes flooding back as I write this. The peace that I had felt in the early days multiplied and I was overwhelmed. I knew with utter certainty that something had changed deep down. I had committed myself to a lifetime of work, one day at a time. A daunting task if I had to do it on my own, guessing every step of the way and making my own decisions; left to my own thinking I am in danger, because I can convince myself that I know best. But I am no longer alone – I had to learn to defer to my sponsor and my home group, show genuine respect and willingness to accept when I was wrong. That hasn’t always been easy, but when I swallow my pride, trust those who know better than me and do as I am told then I have the feeling of having done the right thing and life is good.
Nowadays I have a busy, useful and fulfilling life. I can see the beauty in the world and am grateful for the ability to be moved by it. I have a job that I can enjoy and be of service, and have been described as "reliable, trustworthy and an asset to the team." What a miracle! If only they knew what a nasty piece of work I used to be! I have been shown that it’s okay to feel please with achievement and praise, but my main thought must be that I only have these things thanks to God and AA, and I must get on my knees and give thanks. My character defects are still there, but I am known more aware of them and I have been shown how to work the programme to do God’s will, not mine. All that I have done is put the action in, the results are a gift. Every day I have proof that my Step seven prayer was and is constantly being answered. I can feel happy for someone rather than jealously plotting their downfall, and I feel grateful, even when things aren’t going the way I think they should.
Before AA, if ten good things happened in a day and one bad, I would focus on the bad, dwell on it, distort it out of all proportion and end up in self-pity and despair. Before AA, I had never given the spiritual side of life a fair hearing, but now I have had a change of thought and attitude, so my outlook is different. When I am inclined to fall back into my old destructive ways my sponsor helps me get things back into perspective, shows me how to behave and reminds me what to do. It becomes my choice: either I feed my defects and block myself from the sunlight of the Spirit or I pray and act honestly, work the programme, and contentment returns. Why would I ever want to let this new life go? Faith has done for me what I could not do for myself, and I want to keep this wonderful life that has been freely given to me. I don’t ever want to go back to how I was, so I accept that my character defects will be removed in God’s time, not mine, and I continue to strive for progress, not perfection.
Oct 2011