Life Started When I Came to AA
My Life Started When I Came to AA
I believe I was born with the disease of alcoholism. That disease that told me I was different, awkward and inferior, and made it difficult to interact with other people. I spent my childhood feeling dissatisfied and acting selfishly, so when I discovered the joys of alcohol at the tender age of 13, it was my answer to everything. It gave me happiness and the confidence to be with other people.
There was little control over how much I drank from the beginning and the consequences of irresponsible actions and blackouts did not deter me from drinking as much as I could, whenever I could. Looking back, I am sure I could not have stopped drinking then, even if I had wanted to because alcohol gave meaning to life and made the bad times good and the good times better. I also suffered from periods of depression, which I treated with alcohol because I could not face the realities of life. But despite this, I also experienced many enjoyable social occasions with the help of my best friend – booze.
Over a period of time, my circumstances changed when I had children. I hoped this would settle me down because even in my early 20’s, I was fairly sure I had a ’drink problem’ but had no idea of its severity. Unfortunately, I was unable to maintain relationships as my drinking became more isolated and regular. I continued to work and kept up a good show of being ’normal’, but I was unable to face up to responsibility and was always able to justify my drinking with pressures of work, being a single parent or perhaps something that had happened 10 years previously.
Needless to say my alcoholism progressed, as it always does, and my drinking became heavier, more regular and prolonged. A glass of wine forced down at 7am was not unusual, just to enable me to start the day. But eventually, after 30 years with my finger on the ‘self destruct button’, the drink was not working. I was constantly depressed and seriously contemplating suicide with no thought of how that would affect my children and the people who loved me. All I cared about was how I felt.
I reached the stage when I knew I could no longer live either with or without alcohol and I was desperate as only the dying can be. Thank God I felt so bad when I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous because I was ready to be greeted with the loving hand of the Fellowship; and to become a part of something that I had been missing all my life. At my first meeting I knew this was where I belonged as I listened to other alcoholics relating their experiences and describing how they had recovered from a seemingly hopeless disease. I heard how they had asked another recovered alcoholic to sponsor them and guide them through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous; and as a result they had had a spiritual awakening which enabled them to live happily and comfortably in this world without alcohol.
I wanted what these people had with all my being and 4 years ago I asked a lady to sponsor me and bought a copy of the Big Book. I started putting in simple actions that were explained to me, and threw myself into AA. As a result of my willingness to accept the principles of the Fellowship without argument or analysis, the craving for alcohol disappeared within days and I felt a new hope for the future. I knew I had to change at depth and as my sponsor guided me through the 12 Steps, I started seeing the world and the people in it through new eyes. I was able to clear away the wreckage of my past, make amends to the people I had hurt and start living a brand new life.
My life started 4 years ago when I came to AA, and through discovering a power greater than myself who I call God, and continuing to practice the principles of AA in everything I do, I have a level of happiness and contentment, which enables me to live comfortably in this world without the need to drink. My gratitude to AA and the people in it, means that my life and the lives of people around me can continue to blossom with love and kindness.
To maintain my commitment to these principles is not always easy because I suffer from a disease which will tell me I do not have it. But by remaining honest with my sponsor, working with newcomers and putting AA first before anything else, I can continue to live a happy life – which is all I have ever wanted.
Alison H., Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth