Is there such a thing as a ‘loser’ in AA?
Is there such a thing as a 'loser' in AA?
This could seem a very controversial question since many people express strong disapproval to members of the fellowship using the term loser. “There are no losers in A.A.,” people cry. They often go further and insist, “We are all winners”. To this I say, what a load of claptrap. Irrefutably there are losers within the fellowship.
Bearing in mind that I am an alcoholic as described in the Big Book, every aspect of my miserable existence shouted LOSER! I was a loser before coming through the doors of A.A. and remained a loser for a further 10 years. Anyone who pronounced me to be a ‘winner’ during my first ten years experience in the fellowship was more deluded in their thinking than I was. The fact was, I had experience in A.A., but no real experience of A.A. To be precise, I went to meetings but did not give myself completely to what was on offer; I still thought I knew what was best for me. Without the experience of A.A. i.e. the 12 Steps and sponsorship, nothing changed – I stayed drunk! Brief intervals of getting dry did not last long. Moreover, any form of emotional sobriety was never going to be on the horizon. Given that I did not believe I was of the class of alcoholic that needed any sort of ‘program’ the chances of long term sobriety would certainly not be accomplished. Despite the warnings of experienced members telling me, ‘the result was nil until we let go absolutely’ and ‘half measures availed us nothing’ – still I thought I knew best. My case was somehow different. And just as those experienced members predicted, I stayed drunk. Not only was I a loser in the seemingly hopeless battle against my alcoholism I was a total loser in most areas of my life. The bedevilments in the Big Book (p: 52) signify why I would remain one of life’s losers – until I accepted the experience of A.A. and took the 12 Steps.
1. We were having trouble with our personal relationships
‘Trouble’ may be a tad of an understatement to describe my interactions with others; everybody seemed to rub me up the wrong way. It felt like all and sundry did things, said things and behaved in such a way that it was a deliberate attempt to see how far they could push me before I reacted. And react I would. In the later days of my drinking I had become so acutely aware (paranoid) of other peoples' plans and schemes that I tended to react before they had the chance to get at me! I could become defensive or offensive depending on what I thought they were up to this time. That would show them they shouldn’t try and mess with me! The result being that I lost friends, lost the respect of others, lost jobs and lost many hours sleep plotting my revenge on those that had deliberately gone out of their way to upset me. It almost felt at times I was losing my mind as I spent hours analysing the backside out of every conversation, trying to find the hidden meanings to what others had said. (I could increase the list ad infinitum but hopefully you get the picture).
2. We couldn’t control our emotional natures
Of course I couldn’t control my emotional nature what with everyone out to provoke me. If you had all those people out to get at you wouldn’t you feel the way I felt? Anger characterised my internal and external demeanour. I would lose my patience with these idiots and could only control my temper for so long before I would lose it. Needless to say I couldn’t stay angry 24/7 therefore my emotional nature could turn on a sixpence…
3. We were prey to misery and depression
…and the tears would fall. How could I not be prey to misery and depression? Other people were making my life a living hell. With the world and his wife conspiring against me I lost all heart and eventually lost the will to live; suicidal thoughts and attempts became an attractive solution to my problems. More and more I was losing the ability to control my emotions and found myself crying day and night, wondering where it all went wrong and thinking, could I possibly be partly to blame? Possibly, but I was sure others were more at fault. Too many thoughts started to spin around in my head and I lost the ability to think straight. My thoughts were turning ever more inward which had the affect of restricting my ability to function on a day to day basis. The only way for me to function in life was to take another drink; only I had long ago lost the ability to control my intake so that wasn’t working. Perhaps the doctor could help. This became a landmark that indicated I was losing all control over my own life. Over the next ten years I was diagnosed as suffering from ‘depression’, then promoted to the level of ‘manic depressive’. Further promotion came shortly after and they gave me the title of ‘paranoid schizophrenic’. After a while they wanted to talk more and more about my substance abuse and drinking. It wasn’t long before I became a ‘registered drug addict’. They even had the audacity to imply that I was an ‘alcoholic’!!!!!
4. We couldn’t make a living
The doctors were trying their best to diagnose my ailment and acted in accordance with the symptoms I presented to them; these could change from day to day. Naturally, I was signed off of work with a sick note to recuperate from my ‘depression’ (I had told the doctor the stress of work was partly to blame for the way I felt). Eventually I quit my job. The thinking behind this decision was, ‘If I don’t work, I can’t get depressed about it’. It made perfect sense to me at the time. I had by now lost the ability to make sound and reasonable decisions.
As I said previously, the visit to the doctors became a landmark indicating I was losing all control over my own life. The frequent visits to the GP ended with the sick note turning into long-term sick and then on to incapacity benefit. I was now officially incapable of work. I lost the ability to make a living. It felt to me that my life was no longer in my control and I lost all sense of purpose and direction as professionals now started to dictate where I would be going next and when. Appointments with psychiatric nurses, social workers, key workers, second opinions from other doctors, social security doctors etc etc. – I was losing track of who I was seeing next. Also, I was losing the ability to remember what story I had told who; well you just have to tell some lies, don’t you? These professionals were probably part of the conspiracy against me so I had to be on my guard, just in case. The amazing thing was that I started to believe my own lies! As you read this, is it becoming obvious just how much I was losing touch with reality? A very good indicator for how I was losing the ability to differentiate the true from the false.
5. We had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy
Despite the fact that I was now receiving a vast array of professional help I continued to drink. I had lost the power to leave alcohol alone or even moderate my intake. More and more the Big Book experience was becoming my own. The incomprehensible demoralization I was suffering was progressing. I was getting worse, never better. Life no longer had any meaning to me – it had long ago lost any of its earlier appeal. There just didn’t seem any point in doing anything – I always seemed to fail anyway so what was the use; I lost any sense of motivation. I felt totally useless. The result being, professionals sent me here, there and everywhere in the vain attempt to help resolve my problem.
It seems strange looking back now but the truth was I had no fear in trying to take my own life, yet I was terrified when I was sent to the psychiatric hospital after my first suicide attempt. Although I did feel somehow safe in the hospital I was afraid to speak. What if I said something and they didn’t understand what I meant and decided to keep me in? I was scared at the thought that they wouldn’t let me out and I would lose my freedom completely. Needless to say they did let me out but, to cut a long story short, I entered that particular hospital a further six times. I lost years that could have been spent doing things much more worth while than being a resident in a hospital; along with all the other institutions that I was placed in during the subsequent years to that that first suicide attempt. I began to lose all hope. Despite all the help I received I couldn’t stop drinking. It wasn’t even as if I didn’t want to stop. Many times I wasn’t drinking for enjoyment or to escape, I was drinking to overcome a craving that seemed to be beyond my mental control. I somehow lost the ability to pull into my mind with any sufficient force the previous events of taking a drink and all the consequences that entailed. I was becoming extremely frightened of my own thinking. I was rapidly losing hope of finding any solution to my problems.
As one would expect, I was unhappy. My life was spiralling out of control and there seemed to be zilch neither I nor anybody else could do about it. If you have read up to this point you will need no further explanation as to why I was unhappy, I think that would be obvious but somewhere along the line I had lost the ability to smile or laugh (unless something bad happened to someone else, then I could muster a little grin).
6. We couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people
Obviously by now I had become so wrapped up in myself I had lost any interest in other people, let alone being of help to them. Surely if you look over the events of my life you would understand that I needed to be concerned with my own problems, not other peoples'. In fact other people just irritated and annoyed me…this is starting to sound familiar.
1. We were having trouble with our personal relationships
Could it possibly be that I was losing track of the LOSER’S cycle I was creating…?
Was I a loser in A.A.?
Mike C, Road to Recovery Group, Plymouth
April 2014