Incoherent and Abusive

Before I came to AA I thought I was not an alcoholic, alcohol was my solution to life because without it I felt I had nothing in my life. If I was to give up drink I would have no friends I wouldn’t be able to go out and enjoy anything in my life. I would be a recluse, going nowhere until the end.

I felt so isolated from everyone and everything, I could not socialise with friends or family without alcohol in me. Fear ruled my life. I was afraid of so many things, what people thought of me how people seen me. The things I did, the things I didn’t do. Just taken a few drinks would take it all away and I would feel the life of the mid-week party, I could go where I wanted, do what I wanted, speak up when I felt I needed to. But a few drinks always turned into far to many to the point of being incoherent and abusive. And come the next morning the fear, guilt and remorse of what had happened the night before was on me. No where to hide I was on countdown to start again usually the same day.

After drinking had lead me to living in shared housing barely able to pay my rent and hardly eating, and my mental and physical health rapidly going downhill having had two strokes as the result of drinking I was in fear for my life, while also not wanting to continue with in existence anymore.
It was suggested to me that I try Alcoholics anonymous, I found where a meeting was and headed for it. Hearing something I could relate to in the rooms of AA was a refreshing feeling, but I was not quite done yet. Another 2 years of coming into the meetings and leaving again, before I finally came to realisation that I was doomed to keep repeating this cycle. I was going to return to alcohol as the solution to my life over and over again,

That was the wakeup call I had needed, I went back to the meeting. I asked someone to help me to recover from this hopeless state, I was asked to do some very simple suggestions on a daily basis, and I mean simple to the point that it seamed a joke. But when I started doing them the thought of taking a drink had gone. And I slowly started to build my life back up and things I never expected to happen started to come to life, Job, relationship, son. And a feeling that I can be the person I should be.
This is not to say that everything is abed of roses, trials and difficulties happen, but I now have away of dealing with them. And thanks to working a simple programme I have not had a serious thought of o drink in in nearly 9 years.

I live a blessed and fantastic life today. Thanks to a sponsor, a simple programme or simple actions to undertake on a daily basis. And a home group, a place I can go and feel safe and free. And to top it all it has cost me nothing Alcoholics Anonymous is free.

Jim
Road to Recovery Group, June 2023