Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

Alcohol is a devious foe. It had me fooled into thinking that I needed it to be a part of, that it was the only thing that could help me fit in, fit into situations and relationships that I felt apart from.

Drinking never seemed like a problem. I never hid booze, I never had serious shakes from it and I always drank openly and vigorously. Everyone does, right? 

When it was first suggested I stop drinking, for good, it felt like a massive part of my vital existence was in danger. All the days, events, celebrations, parties, weekends, Christmases, birthdays and more flashed before me and at the time it seemed like too big a mountain to climb, to stop drinking. I did not believe myself to be alcoholic. In other areas of my life I could see I needed some help, needed to get some more control, but drinking was OK. I was like a boy whistling in the dark.

Looking back now it is so obvious that it was a problem. I was drinking everyday and not just a relaxing tipple after work but a couple of pints in work, 4 cans and a bottle after work; more towards the weekends. Saturdays were a great excuse to start early and Sundays were a great day to continue. Still my head would say “everyone has a drink, you can just handle a bit more.” I have bounced off cars, jumped over bars and taken out pumps, been locked in cells, fought and shouted and stood on cliffs without the courage to jump. My head was a mess and a drink always gave me some peace, but it was never one drink it was as many as I can get, as quickly as possible. Not the acquired taste I thought it was, just an uncontrollable urge to get out of myself on a regular basis.

Being sober without a program was a different experience. If I was on the wagon, for whatever reason, life would get fast-paced, I had to keep busy I had to be in control, don’t get in my way or you will get a mouthfull, I have things to do and a way to do them. Dry drunk was a strange, hectic, chaotic, selfish place in my head. Everyone was a pain in the butt and everyone was doing everything the wrong way; if you would just do it like this things would be great. Even if things were great I could all ways take the shine from them with some negativity.

Towards the end of my drink I even found time to hang out in derelict hotels and houses, I would switch my phone off and abandon the world to be able to just sit with myself and get wasted. The best times drinking were the always the ones alone getting skulled with no responsibilities, no ties, no one to answer to. 

Then I attended my 1st AA meeting, a strange place at first for sure but one I have come to be very comfortable with and one I have come to trust. Trust in getting a sponsor and remaining sponsorable, ie – phoning my sponsorregularly, being honest with my sponsor and taking direction from him. Trust in following the suggested things and working through the 12 Steps with my sponsor. Trust in doing this simple stuff. I have continued to remain sober for over 4 years. I need to remember that fact.

I can see no other reason for my sobriety other that this process, it is certainly not me suddenly becoming fantastic or clever or suddenly having a great will power to not consume vast amounts of drink. It is not that I have great knowledge on the Steps or meetings or people as I do not. I am a student at this.

It is because somewhere during the process I gave up trying to do it myself and let a higher power in to do for me what I cannot do myself, and that is stay sober on a daily basis. It is because I continue to do the right things that the right things happen. It is an internal job. I don't have materials riches beyond my wildness dreams, yet I am richer on the inside than I have ever been in my life and I am very content with just that. I am 38 years old and I truly believe that the best years of my existence lie ahead. One day at a time. With this program. I hear people in AA with many more years of sobriety than I, say the same thing. That really keeps me enthused to continue to practice the principles. I am happy to report progress, not perfection. 

If you are new and wonder what you must do, I would suggest you give it go. See what happens. Get a sponsor and let go. One of my biggest fears around a sponsor was "are they going to control me?" No one can control a drunk who does not want to do something. That moved me forward.

These are only suggestions: get a sponsor, follow suggestions, work the 12 Steps. They are the only suggestions we have.

(2010)